May 21

Lessons from My Mom that Turned Out to Be Completely Useful

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In honor of Mothers Day and a general feeling of guilt for my entire teenage years, here are some things that I heard my mom say at some point but didn’t actually absorb until much later. Because at the time, I was too busy rolling my eyes into the back of my head and being so cool I could barely handle it. As it turns out, mama knows best, and she’s given me countless words of wisdom over the past twenty-five years.
1. …

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May 10

Compliments of William Shatner

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I know, I know. For a “writer,” I’m doing a pretty lousy job keeping up with this site. But you know how determined I am? I’m writing right now, right in the middle of my beloved Intervention, even though it’s clear that Richard the crack addict needs my full attention and support.
It’s been a busy few weeks. Clayton’s on-call schedule has felt a bit like being hazed for a fraternity. Except that instead of graduating to kegs and blondes, Clayton’s …

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Apr 11

Sit. Stay. Sweat.

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It’s been an adventurous weekend. There have been two never-tried-before experiences, and it’s only Sunday morning.
Yesterday marked the first day of the rest of Bryson’s life. It was our first dog training class, and I think there is a glimmer of hope that we won’t have to scrounge up the receipt from over a year ago and plop him on the counter at the Humane Society and ask for our money back. This particular trainer was recommended by several different people, …

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Apr 5

Craving Ham and Potato Salad. And I Don’t Even Like Potato Salad.

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I’m wondering when it will get easier. When will hearing my grandmother’s voice on the phone be comforting and not condemning? When will saying goodbye to my parents at the airport be met with appreciation for the visit and not guilt and hollowness for the impending months of separation? I am so grateful for the life that we are carving out in this new city, and I really am a sucker for adventure. But my home, ever since I understood …

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Mar 27

Attempting Cartwheels

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Yesterday I had the distinct privilege of attending a HIPPA conference that outlined the changes to HIPPA guidelines that occurred after the stimulus package. It’s funny that you could maybe mistake that for “stimulating.” Not so much. Unless you consider a seven-hour lecture by a self-promoting, government hating, former army colonel stimulating. Personally, I’d rather walk the Virginia Beach Boardwalk in the honeymoon-only, of-the-string variety Victoria’s Secret black bikini collecting dust mites at the bottom of my underwear drawer. What pushed …

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Mar 21

Get the FDA on the Phone

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I’m a writer. And not in the in-my-spare-time, when-I-need-to-use-profanity-privately kind of way. I am a writer in a totally legitimate, business meeting on the fifth floor, “what are your rates?” kind of way.
A few weeks ago I landed my very first freelance writing gig. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that someone has offered to pay for my writing. This idea lodged in the recesses of my brain growing up, an abandoned dream when I got …

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Feb 28

One More Reason to Stop Shopping in the Junior’s Section

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I lost three pounds sitting in church this morning. This is the second time we have attended this particular church, and both times it’s been outrageously packed. It’s definitely time for an expansion, but for now they are sticking with four services every Sunday. Anyway, all that to help paint the picture of it being very cramped in the building. Sardine style. We walk in with our uber cute coats on because, hello, we are still living in Virginia in the …

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Feb 25

Girl Meets North: My First Visitor!

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Man. I am so exhausted from working 27 whole hours in one week. This employment thing, I’m not so sure I’m diggin’ it. Oh wait — maybe I’m exhausted from the stomach virus I caught while working 27 hours last week. Yeah, that makes more sense, I suppose. Luckily, it squeaked in (ok, it so didn’t “squeak,” but squeak sounds much more feminine and tolerable than what was actually happening to my body) just after my brother left from a weekend stay in the very …

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Feb 8

An Ode to My Blow Dryer. Kind Of.

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If you have hair growing out of your scalp, and you do not happen to have a penis, you’re going to want to nominate me for sainthood when I tell you what I’ve been doing for the good of my family.
For the past three weeks, I’ve been living life sans blow dryer. I know. I’ll give you a minute to process the shock and admiration of it all. It was a truly risky move considering how it’s coinciding with my …

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Feb 5

Wait, is Scrubbing Dog Vomit Off the Carpet Considered Exercise?

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Let’s talk a little bit about what is not on the top of my list of Ways to Spend My Days of Unemployed Bliss Delirium:
Listening to Dr. Oz talk about blackheads accompanied by full screen, close-up images
Putting Bryson into a full nelson every time someone walks by the front door to try and stop him from barking like a rabid pit bull
Applying to mysterious “writer” jobs on Craigslist that turn out to be reviewing adult web sites. It’s a whole new …

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