Begin Your Pre-Tan Routine

Ok, I’ll admit it. I’ve been faking it. A girl from the South with Cuban roots is supposed to look a certain way, and, frankly, my maternal genes have been sucking the Latina (read: melanin) right out of my skin. I could handle the pastiness through the snow-filled winter, but spring has already come and gone and it’s straight up summer. Mama needs some color. Considering the fact that I now believe everything Prevention magazine says, I’m deathly afraid of the sun. Even more terrified of tanning beds. So, I Mystic. It’s quick, easy, and on Wednesdays and Sundays it’s half price. Once I got over the anxiety about potentially walking out of the booth looking like Ross in that Friends episode, I was hooked. Fifteen minutes and you’re tan for the week. If I schedule my session in early afternoon, it also provides me the opportunity of leaving work early “for an appointment.” No, the bronzed adolescents working the cash register do not have their medical degrees, but they can direct you to the towels better than most.

The whole process is entertaining: the other patrons are thoroughly amusing (did you know postal workers stop by the tanning salon in the middle of their shifts to help even out that wicked farmer tan?!), the girls working there have morphed a little more from tan to really tan to a whole new ethnicity every time I see them, and the icing on the cake is standing completely naked for ten minutes in a private room waiting for the Mystic booth to pre-heat. With a full length mirror on the wall. What would you do with that time? I’ve  thought of several ways to pass the time, some that I learned from America’s Next Top Model. The room isn’t huge, but it makes for at least three steps on my imaginary catwalk. Miss J would be really, really proud. Or horrified. Like the good former personal trainer that I am, I also sneak some exercise into my day. There’s naked calf raises, naked oblique bends, naked push ups, and even naked standing crunches, which I totally made up and am almost positive are entirely pointless. It’s a great chance to try out different hairstyles and determine which look suits you best naked. Because that’s applicable to everyone’s real life, right?

If I don’t get too distracted by naked charades, I can be in and out in less than a half hour. Clayton’s a big fan, except for the first twenty-four hours when he won’t come within five feet of me because the mist spells like cat pee while it’s soaking in. Minor detail.

Whatever you do to kick off the season, I hope you’re as pleased as I am and maybe a little more clothed. Happy summer!