Wait, is Scrubbing Dog Vomit Off the Carpet Considered Exercise?

Let’s talk a little bit about what is not on the top of my list of Ways to Spend My Days of Unemployed Bliss Delirium:

Listening to Dr. Oz talk about blackheads accompanied by full screen, close-up images

Putting Bryson into a full nelson every time someone walks by the front door to try and stop him from barking like a rabid pit bull

Applying to mysterious “writer” jobs on Craigslist that turn out to be reviewing adult web sites. It’s a whole new meaning for entry level.

Watching MORE snow fall as a second winter storm blows through Virginia. I want to find all those people who assured us “It doesn’t snow here!” and shove their lying faces into the icy white prison building up outside our windows. And also send them our electric bill. 

Clicking on additional images of The Perfect House to find out it has wood-paneled walls, large gaping holes where all the appliances should be, and floor to ceiling nauseatingly floral wallpaper in every room

Taking showers*

Cooking*

Exercising*

Learning Spanish

*No, you did not misread that. Having 9 extra hours of free time a day has not motivated me to participate in any type of activity that could be construed as healthy or beneficial. Unless Bravo reality show reruns  are considered “healthy” now. I’m not sure because I stopped reading health magazines the second I stopped working as a personal trainer.

What have you not been doing lately?